My New (Hilton) BFF

For 26 days now, although it feels much much longer, I've been literally living at the Millennium Hilton. It's directly across from ground zero and after 2 or 3 days, I basically got used to the sound of the constant construction across the street. It never stops. And I mean never. 24 hours a day there are pylon drivers, and jackhammers and all manner of insanely loud construction equipment running. There is traffic and road work and all the rest too. But at this point, its almost soothing -- the constancy of it; the feeling of progress -- since I've been here, I watched them add several stories to the Freedom Tower. I've also witnessed some amazing sunsets from our "war room" perch up on the 55th floor overlooking the Hudson. Because not only do I live here now, I work here too -- all thanks to the inability of two billionaire companies to settle their disagreements. Well, its not quite that simple, but still.

So here's the deal: my firm has had the entire top floor of this place, which is usually the first class suites for the ultra fancy and super rich, turned into a series of "war rooms." (for you non-lawyers -- a war room is really just a room where lawyers can work together to prepare for trial or some other deal). I've spent no less than 15 hours a day in the war room. Usually considerably more than that. I've never spent more than 8 hours in a row in my room, usually considerably less. And fuck, in 26 days, I've spent a sum total of maybe 8 hours out of doors. I eat my meals here. All of them. If I work out, I do it in the hotel's gym. A laundry services picks up & drops off our laundry. There is nothing you need that can't be delivered. I go outside only to get Starbucks (when we run out of coffee in the war room) or to pick up more snacks from the bodega around the corner. It's utterly miserable.

But it actually gets worse....

Because you see, while I usually like the company of the people I work with, most of them are actually cool fun people, a few weeks ago the powers that be sent us an extra pair of hands in the from of a new associate. The First Year. By the end of his first day, we thought he was a little odd. By the end of day three, we decided he must have some sort of mental condition. And by day 5, we wanted either to kill him or kill ourselves so that we wouldn't have to spend another minute more with him. The odd things he does are just too numerous and mind-numbingly irritating to list here, but here's just a few.

(1) He paces. Constantly. As if under some immeasurable pressure. But I mentioned he's new right? He's here to be a glorified paralegal. There is nothing for him to be stressed about. The most difficult task he's been given so far is print about 40 case opinions from the internet and put them in a binder in alphabetical order. It took him 10 hours. Mostly because he was pacing for 6 of them. That and he appeared to have forgotten the alphabet.

(2) He breathes loudly. Like seriously loudly. Like so loudly that I have to wear headphones and turn my ipod way the hell up so as not to hear it. It sounds like the sound people make when they come up from being under water a little too long. A long, heavy exhalation. Except he's not underwater. It's like he's forgetting how to breath. Which is not all that unbelievable since he apparently forgot the alphabet.

(3) He twirls his sideburns. Often while pacing.

(4) He's a fucking know it all. Remember how I said he was sent to us a few weeks ago? And how he's a new? Well, the rest of us have been on this case for more than a year now. Have lost our summers to depositions in London. Have given up weekends to endless investigation into the facts. Well, apparently, newbie here is so fucking brilliant that he was able to master the case in two days. Or at least that's how it would seem since he constantly has to throw his two cents into every fucking conversation we have. And its not limited to shop talk. He knows everything about everything. When he tried to tell me about italian cooking though, I had to pull out the bitch and shut him the hell up.

(5) He hovers. And copies. For example, for the first couple of weeks, I would get up from my work area and go across the room to the "snack table" to get a snack. We have all sorts of snacks here. Lawyers who work around the clock need nourishment form of junk food. That's just how it works. Except in my case, my snacks are gluten free. They're special. And oftentimes not as good as regular snacks. I dream of mint milano cookies. But I digress....I go over to the snack table, I choose my snack, and before I can turn around to go back to my work station, there he is, right fucking behind me. And while he could eat anything he wants, he doesn't. He chooses whatever snack I choose. WHATEVER SNACK I CHOOSE. Like he wants to be my new BFF or something. I even purposely bought some of the most vile GF foods out there, and forced myself to eat them, just as a test, and lo and behold, if I ate it, he'd eat it. It's actually a little disturbing. I eventually bought my own snacks and kept them right next to me to dissuade his freakish behavior. He's since latched on to a colleague. She's vegan. So apparently now he is too.

So there you have it -- as if it wasn't bad enough that we have to give up our entire lives for this thankless fucking job for more than a month (we've been here 26 days and have at least 10 more to go), we have to deal with The First Year. Who we've nicknamed FS. Because we need to be able to talk about him while he's around so as not to go utterly out of our minds batshit crazy. And FreakShow would just be too rude.

A Red Bull Convert Speaks

It is Summer Solstice today...and I've heard its a beautiful day. I've heard the spring was nice too. But I wouldn't really know because I've been in the seventh circle of hell, known in wider circles as my job.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate my job? Well, its getting worse by the day. In March, I was so bored I wanted to pull my hair out. And then April came along and I've barely seen the light of day since. On Saturday, I got shipped off to jolly olde England for the most exhausting of all my cases and all my friends kept saying how lucky I was -- how it was just sooooo coooooool that I got to travel to London on business. So cool my fucking ass. What my friends don't seem to understand, even after I fucking explained it to them, is that the only parts of London I'll be seeing are the inside of my client's offices, the inside of the law offices of our co-counsel, and if I'm lucky, the inside of my hotel room for a few hours each night. I got to see London Bridge, too, but that was only because we had to drive over Tower Bridge this morning to get to one of the offices where I'll be spending the better part of the next week (and then three more weeks in July). And yet, despite being told all this, the friends all insisted, Oh stina, I'm sure you'll have some free time to yourself; you'll be able to have some fun. And something inside me would crack just a touch more.

So I gave up trying to explain the insanity that is my job. I even gave up telling people I was traveling because I just couldn't bear to hear the, Oh that's so cool, nonsense anymore. I've almost given up on getting a good night sleep - but a little part in the back of brain remains hopeful, and I can't in good conscious say I "gave up" on sleep because that would suggest I've done so voluntarily even though the sleep deprivation at this point is more akin to torture than it is due to some undying work ethic or some shit.

And so, to keep myself from falling asleep at my computer and hitting my face on my keyboard (again) I've given up water for Red Bull. Even though the only time I ever used to touch the stuff was after a shot of Jager had been dropped in it. Which, actually, come to think of it, might not be a bad idea right about now. Because, seriously, if I'm going to be delusional from lack of sleep, might as well get a buzz while I'm at it, right? I'm not talking about getting dance-on-the-bar drunk or anything, just a shot or two to take the edge off. Bad idea? Good idea? You let me know. In the meantime, I've got to go see if Marks & Spencer unpacked the new shipment of Red Bull yet.

A Potential Advantage of Celiac Disease

About 2 months ago was the last time I posted here. And also about the last time I had a true honest moment to myself. Or did anything particularly fun or exciting. Or hell, the last time I left my fucking desk for lunch. But today, for the first time in 8 weeks, I will get to leave the building while the sun is still shining. I will get to have lunch somewhere other than my desk. And I may even get home before my husband goes to bed. It's like I've been lost and am now returning from that lost place.

You see, in those 8 weeks, my work has exploded, or imploded, or whatever you call it when it gets so busy and so out of hand that you find yourself working around the clock and without end. Now granted, there are some folks in my office who have worked even more than I have in the last couple of months, but those people are fucking crazy or lack imagination. Because the hours I've put in have fucked with my life enough -- I can't imagine putting in anymore, and especially not double. Let's put it this way: I have worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week for the last 8 weeks, but these other folks were putting in at least 15 hours a day, 7 days a week. And living at a hotel to be on call 24 hours a day. And every single one of them just put up with it. I don't know if they're afraid of losing their jobs during this shitty economy or what. But you better believe that that life will never, fucking ever, be mine. Fuck that. Although it looks like one of my cases is barreling toward that insanity as I write this....

But I plan to avoid this fate one of two ways...

One -- my preference would be to find a new job. And I'm working on that, but as you can imagine, the pickings are slim. Really slim. So, that may take much longer than anticipated. Which means I might still be stuck here when trial hell starts for my case. And if that happens, then .....

Two -- I will absolutely and without regret check myself into a psych ward. Any psych ward. Because just the thought of working 100 hours a week makes me sick, and crazy, and in need of serious medication. I figure after 4 or 5 15 hour fays, I could definitely have a nervous breakdown. Or at least fake one enough to get them to admit me, right? And if that doesn't work, then I will simply poison myself with gluten. Repeatedly if necessary. Can't work 15 hours a day if I'm puking my guts up all day, now can I?

Flirting with Disaster

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you totally didn't want to be and yet you weren't really sure how to get somewhere else and so there you were, lost, basically, hoping someone would come along and push you in the right direction? That is my life right about now. Lost. And in need of a push.

If you've been to visit here in the last few months, you have surely noticed that the law has lost its glamour for me and that I am floundering in a place of uncertainty, trying to figure out what the hell to do with the rest of my life. I've a ton of ideas, but one which I keep coming back to involves dance. And one way to make a living with dance is to teach it. Sure I could open a studio, but that scares the shit out of me (and requires a ton of money upfront anyway). So I thought, hmm, what about teaching in public school? I could be happy as a dance teacher. Because not only do I love dance, I'm stone cold jealous of teachers with their regular schedules and their summers off. Straight up, no bullshit, hard core jealous. And yeah, teachers make shit money, but not a little as you might think, considering they are home by 4pm and have summers off. Especially not here in NJ. Sure $50Gs a year won't make you rich but you ain't starvin' neither. So, I figured I get licensed, I line up a job, bang, I'm outta here.

Which led to me spending the better part of today researching what it would take to become licensed to teach in NJ. As turns out, if I want to teach Social Studies -- very little, thanks to my fancy-schmancy anthro degree, but if I want to teach anything else -- like dance -- I'd have to take a bunch of college classes...upwards of 30 credits worth. So I thought, hey, no biggie, I can take some classes. I like dance classes. I can make it work. I'll give up a yoga night. Or come in late a couple mornings ort whatever. And then I thought, oh fuck, the best I can do while still working is one class a semester -- and if I need 10 classes, that's 5 freaking years. And I thought, oh hell no. And so I stopped looking because I can't stay here, lost, for five years.

And then, last-minute-Charlie (one of my many bosses) sent me an email telling me he needed xyz done by Monday morning. Luckily, its the weekend of my high school reunion so I had an excuse to get off the hook, this weekend, but I know he will fuck up my next weekend and the one after that and the one after that. Cause god forbid he should consider that maybe, just maybe, I might have a fucking life worth living. Or, god forbid, he should assign the fucking work when he finds out about it instead of waiting until the last fucking minute. the mother fucker. Last time I had to work with this guy, I didn't have a day off for 33 days, and that was just last month. I wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but that probably wouldn't be good for me so I said sure, I can work my face off all next week and for the rest of my natural born life until I have another acceptable excuse to run away. So you see, I definitely do not have 5 years to give.

And then, just a moment ago, I read about even more layoffs in the legal world (30 senior associates, like myself, let go from one of the nation's most prestigious law firms). And I thought, god I wish they'd lay me off.

Yes, I actually wished to be laid off.

Because as financially devastating as that would be, I know it would also be completely liberating. It would, for sure, be the push I seem to need to get the fuck out of this indecisive place.

Yes, hoping to get laid off seems counter intuitive and a bit nuts, but what are my other options really? Sure, I could go to some other shitty law job but what's the point? I'd take another job and a salary cut to go along with it and end up just as miserable but without the advantage of being able to escape to the islands a couple times a year. So, maybe like pulling off a band aid, a swift kick in the pants right out the damn door is what I need. And without a job, I could get my 30 credits in one single year. Granted, unemployment would barely cover my mortgage, but I'd get at least a few months of severance first, and I do have a little bit of savings, so I'd be OK for a bit. Scared as hell, I'm sure, but not starving.

So yeah, I'm flirting with what would likely be a total disaster, for a little while at least, but really, what's the point of money if you are too damn depressed to spend it? Or worse, if you aren't even allowed out of the office long enough to spend it? And what's the point of life if you don't get to live it? So please, bring on the layoff.

PS - my prayers will not likely be answered. Unfortunately my firm is financially sound (unless they're totally lying to us). Best I could do would be to get "asked to resign" - but you don't get severance for that. Ergo, still damn stuck.

So this is what exhausted feels like

Today is the 19th day in a row that I've had to work. And, even if I magically get next weekend off, I've got to work tomorrow and all week, so it will be 26 days in a row before I'm done. And the chances of actually getting off next weekend are basically slim to none, so add another weekend, plus the standard work week to the total, and I'm looking at 33 days without a fucking day off. I'm already at my limit -- and have no idea where the energy is going to come from to get through the next 14 days. No idea whatsoever.

This should be fucking illegal. No wonder lawyers are a bunch of suicide prone, alcoholic drug addicts.

Color me unsurprised morons

From today's NJ Law Journal Daily Briefing:
The law firm revolution is not upon us. So say 208 law firm leaders in response to an Altman Weil survey conducted in March and April. "Law firms are not doing anything dramatic and are not planning to do anything dramatic," says an Altman Weil consultant and co-author of the survey, which was distributed to 687 firms with 50 or more lawyers, asking how firms are dealing with strategy, growth, pricing, staffing and business development in light of the current economy. However, 38 percent of firms with 500 to 999 lawyers say it is likely or possible that they will cut additional equity partners in 2009.

All I have to say is, no fucking shit sherlock. Law firms aren't changing as a result of the economy? Gee. I never woulda guessed that. Who decided on this stupid ass survey I wonder? And how much did they spend on it? TO find out what everyone in the legal world already knows -- law firms are what they are and they aren't changing anytime soon. Why? Because they are fucking money making machines, that's why. Would you change if you were making millions upon millions upon millions of dollars each year, hell no you wouldn't. NO revolution for you my friend.

Of course, I've been billing around the clock for the last 6 days straight (see what I mean -- money makin', money money makin') and haven't seen the light of day so I haven't really had much time to think about potential revolutions in the legal market (or anything really, other than the never-ending pile of shit to do on my desk). Although now that I am thinking about it, if there ever is change, perhaps beefing up case coverage should be among the changes so that, oh I don't know, I could fucking go home before 1 o'clock in the motherfucking morning.

I guess I really shouldn't complain -- they pay me ridiculously well, and the partner I'm working with is actually a really nice guy. And it isn't like he's piled on the work and gone home (unlike some former bosses of mine who now have their own firm with a moniker than sounds a little sleazy -- S&M anyone? and No, I'm not kidding)) -- he's been here slaving way too; at least almost as long as I have. And I have been granted a once-in-a-lifetime reprieve...despite the fact that this case is on for an evidentiary hearing (that's like a mini trial for you non-legal folks out there) on Wednesday (yes, as week from yesterday Wednesday), and that the rest of the team will not see the light of day until after the hearing, I have been excused!!! I actually get to take the next 4 days so that I can go see my baby brother graduate from UVA! (Ok, so he's not a baby, he's not even the average age of a college grad, but he's the youngest of my brothers so baby brother he is, and always will be).

BUT -- no one likes working from 7:30AM to 1:30AM no matter what they get paid and no matter how interesting the work is or whatever-the-fuck. No body. Or at least definitely not me. I like being able to see the sun. And call me crazy, but I enjoy having dinner with other people, at a table, instead of sitting at my desk and trying not to get food all over the 4000 pages of shit I need to deal with. Plus, I fucking missed American Idol AND Dancing with the Stars this week. So not cool. Then again, its always been this way. Feast or famine. Insane hours one week; extreme boredom the next. And, like I said, it changing anytime soon.

So, "the law firm revolution is not upon us"? I could have told them that.

And now, I've got to go back to my office cave of horrors. This little foray will cost me but it was either rant or go on a killing spree. I thought ranting would be much more appropriate. Otherwise I'd have to hire my own fucking lawyer.

All I can say is...

Hallelujah, hallelujah, ha-lay-lu-yah.

Of course, this jubilation is tempered by, among other things, (1) the audacity of a Fourth Circuit judge asking Obama to allow his court to remain a bastion of conservatism and (2) by this nutjob NJ attorney who is wasting the court's resources by filing yet another ridiculous "Obama-isn't-a-citizen" case.

The Judge, of course, doesn't come right out and ask Obama to appoint conservatives, but he gets close enough. I mean , seriously, he talks about "the misadventures of the third branch" -- fucking conservative-speak for liberal judges. And then suggests that these misadventures will "hasten the loss of our priceless heritage of personal liberty." First of all, who the fuck does this guy think he's fucking kidding? Cause I'm pretty sure most folks understand what he's getting at - he may be a judge but that doesn't make the rest of us idiots. And second, I'm pretty fucking sure it was the conservatives who hastened the loss of liberty. That he would even suggest otherwise is incomprehensible. Although I did chuckle a little by his claim that "the 4th Circuit has never prided itself on ideology." Puh-leeze.

Oh, and as for the idiot NJ lawyer...cut the shit out already...you're making the rest of look bad. I mean really, this is at least the SECOND lawyer from NJ trying to do the same thing. Um, hello, fucking excuse me, but if the Supreme Court struck down the first guy, what the fuck makes this second guy think they're going to listen to him? Or makes the rest of these idiots think they're going to change anything? I mean, really, could this guy be more of a media whore? 'Cause there is no other explanation. Unless, of course, you account for stupidity. Or lunacy. Or whatever-the-fuck mental disorder is keeping these people from getting over themselves. He's the fucking PRESIDENT people. Fucking deal with it.

Cult of Personality

This morning, the following appeared in the NJ Law Journal Daily Briefing:

CONFERENCE SUGGESTS RADICAL LAW SCHOOL MAKEOVERS
Law firms may not be known for innovation, but they look positively cutting edge next to law schools. That was the consensus among law firm leaders, professors and entrepreneurs attending the recent Leading Legal Innovation conference at the University of Southern California's Gould School of Law. Among the topics on the table: Law schools are great at teaching students how to read a court decision, but they don't teach many of the skills needed to be a successful lawyer. Some schools recommend adding foundational competencies that cover teamwork, improved communications skills and strategic decision making. Others suggest teaching and screening for interpersonal skills.

I read this and the first thing I thought was why is this news? Everyone knows law school doesn't teach you shit other than "how to think like a lawyer." At least not the top law schools (I've heard rumors that some of the 'lower tier' schools do teach actual legal skills). And it isn't even shocking that the conference attendees (basically, the people new law grads work for) think new law grads lack interpersonal skills. Its really quite simple -- "law firm leaders, professors and entrepreneurs" think new law grads lack interpersonal skills probably because new law grads are chained to their fucking desks 12 fucking hours a day and don't have any opportunity to talk to anyone other than other new law grads. I've been there, I know. For my first two years out of law school, I rarely was given the opportunity to speak with partners; hell, I only ever saw them if (1) they were giving me new work or (2) I was turning in a completed assignment. There were a few social events where partners could be found, but the chance of actually speaking to them was minimal, mostly because the gunners (aka I-wanna-be-partner-by-the-time-I'm-30-even-if-I-have-to-give-up-sleep-and-lose-all-my-friends-and-never-take-vacation associates) would surround the partners like wolves circle sheep. There was no getting in unless you were blatantly an asshole and forced yourself upon the situation. And that is hardly an interpersonal skill. Besides, it was much more enjoyable to spend those precious few hours of freedom close to the bar with the other captives.

So, yeah, its no wonder people think new law grads don't have interpersonal skills. And "teaching and screening" for such skills won't help. Because I'm pretty fucking personable (even with the all the swearing), ask anyone, but you never would had known that had you been a partner at the firm I worked for. And that's because you probably never would have actually tried to talk to me, except perhaps about how I only billed 200 hours last month or how my memo lacked this or that or how you had dinner reservations with a client so I had to work late to get started on something you needed by morning (which you never actually needed by fucking morning and which you should have done yourself earlier in the day). Now, had you been an associate -- you would have gotten to know me because we would have had real conversations, like real people do in real life. Besides, the vast majority of my law school classmates were all very personable people, at least in law school. But I'm sure many of them were later found to be lacking in interpersonal skills precisely for the same reason I would have been.

Law schools probably do need a major makeover, and probably should do more to teach people how to be lawyers. But at the same time, the people who oversee this makeover should remember that all the interpersonal skills training in the world will do nothing to change perceptions of new law grads if the people they work for continue to treat them like cogs in some great wheel of commerce as opposed to free thinking individuals.

Crazy Family Shit

I never really thought about hanging out a shingle to do family law (i.e. divorce, custody, other shit having to do with kids, etc...), but a couple of new decisions in NJ have made me think otherwise...

1. Smith v. Smith, Hudson County

From the 12/1/08 NJ Law Journal Daily Briefing:
EXES CAN SUE OVER RUINED TIES TO COUPLE'S CHILDREN For the first time in New Jersey, a judge has recognized the right of parents to collect damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress when their relationships with their children are poisoned by former spouses. The issue in the Hudson County case, Smith v. Smith, is whether the emotional distress claim was a disguised complaint for alienation of affections, a cause of action New Jersey abolished in 1935. Superior Court Judge Maurice Gallipoli ruled the emotional distress claim is separate and distinct. His ruling sets up a possible Appellate Division showdown, since a Morris County judge made an opposite ruling in August on similar facts.

So, this means that when your ex turns your kids against you by telling them you are a lousy mother, father, whateverthefuck -- so long is it "distresses" you "emotionally" you can sue the bastard (or bitch, as the case may be). Ok, there's a little more to it than that, but still...sounds like some family attorneys are about to get ritch bitch. ;) And I'm thinking maybe I should get in on the action. Because there's no way the average joe (or jane) is going to be able to prove one of these cases without professional assistance.

2. A.G.R. v. Brisman, Monmouth County

More from the NJ Lawyer Daily Briefing:
SUIT GOES FORWARD AGAINST LAWYER AND DOCTOR OVER SURROGATE-MOTHER PACT
A civil suit in Monmouth County tests the potential liability of professionals who set up surrogacy arrangements, an issue left undecided in Baby M. In A.G.R. v. Brisman, a woman who first agreed to give up her offspring but had a change of heart is suing the lawyer who set up the surrogate parenting arrangement and the doctor who handled the medical procedure. The suit, which includes counts of civil conspiracy, legal and medical malpractice and fraud, cleared its first hurdle when a judge denied a defense motion to dismiss for failure to state a cause of action.

OK - now this is not your typical family law case, since it involves malpractice and fraud claims and shit, but its in the same genre, or close enough anyway. Surrogacy is a "family" issue, right? And the best thing about this case (especially compared to the boo hoo you turned my kids against me case) is that this one involves defendants with deep pocket -- in other words, here's another potential troth from which we fiends can feed -- the malpractice insurers behind the doctors and lawyers who set up these surrogacy contracts. I'm kind of surprised the judge let this one pass -- cause really, where's the malpractice if the surrogate got to do what she wanted to do anyway? -- but I haven't read the case and besides, he's the judge. So if he says there's a cause of action, then until someone higher up calls him out, there's a cause of action. And potential for some money-making-money-money-making. ;) Where do I sign up?

Anyone care for a...line?

From the New Jersey Lawyer Daily Briefing (10/8/08):

Jogging? Transcendental meditation? Get real. The Times of London previews a study out this week that shows when the going gets tough for British lawyers, they turn directly to alcohol and hard drugs. The professional support group LawCare estimates 30 percent of male lawyers and 20 percent of female lawyers drink to excess, and drug use is fighting to catch up. Says LawCare's Hilary Tilby, "Once, after dinner you'd be offered After Eights - now it's the mirror with lines of cocaine." Legal Business magazine heard tell that partners call their connections directly from their office and pick up the deliveries at the reception desk. Some firms have "cocaine clubs" where clients and their attorneys play poker and take drugs together. As one lawyer told it, "I spanked £100,000 on cocaine in one year and no one noticed. The legal profession, unlike other classic professions such as medicine and teaching, does not give a damn, as long as you are profitable." And what are the firms in Big Law U.K. doing to address this problem? Legal Business did a survey but the results were spotty. Half the firms said they did at least have a formal drug policy. But 84 percent said they did not do any random drug-testing ... and the other 16 percent refused to answer.

And now we know why bar associations always hold wine tastings.