My New (Hilton) BFF

For 26 days now, although it feels much much longer, I've been literally living at the Millennium Hilton. It's directly across from ground zero and after 2 or 3 days, I basically got used to the sound of the constant construction across the street. It never stops. And I mean never. 24 hours a day there are pylon drivers, and jackhammers and all manner of insanely loud construction equipment running. There is traffic and road work and all the rest too. But at this point, its almost soothing -- the constancy of it; the feeling of progress -- since I've been here, I watched them add several stories to the Freedom Tower. I've also witnessed some amazing sunsets from our "war room" perch up on the 55th floor overlooking the Hudson. Because not only do I live here now, I work here too -- all thanks to the inability of two billionaire companies to settle their disagreements. Well, its not quite that simple, but still.

So here's the deal: my firm has had the entire top floor of this place, which is usually the first class suites for the ultra fancy and super rich, turned into a series of "war rooms." (for you non-lawyers -- a war room is really just a room where lawyers can work together to prepare for trial or some other deal). I've spent no less than 15 hours a day in the war room. Usually considerably more than that. I've never spent more than 8 hours in a row in my room, usually considerably less. And fuck, in 26 days, I've spent a sum total of maybe 8 hours out of doors. I eat my meals here. All of them. If I work out, I do it in the hotel's gym. A laundry services picks up & drops off our laundry. There is nothing you need that can't be delivered. I go outside only to get Starbucks (when we run out of coffee in the war room) or to pick up more snacks from the bodega around the corner. It's utterly miserable.

But it actually gets worse....

Because you see, while I usually like the company of the people I work with, most of them are actually cool fun people, a few weeks ago the powers that be sent us an extra pair of hands in the from of a new associate. The First Year. By the end of his first day, we thought he was a little odd. By the end of day three, we decided he must have some sort of mental condition. And by day 5, we wanted either to kill him or kill ourselves so that we wouldn't have to spend another minute more with him. The odd things he does are just too numerous and mind-numbingly irritating to list here, but here's just a few.

(1) He paces. Constantly. As if under some immeasurable pressure. But I mentioned he's new right? He's here to be a glorified paralegal. There is nothing for him to be stressed about. The most difficult task he's been given so far is print about 40 case opinions from the internet and put them in a binder in alphabetical order. It took him 10 hours. Mostly because he was pacing for 6 of them. That and he appeared to have forgotten the alphabet.

(2) He breathes loudly. Like seriously loudly. Like so loudly that I have to wear headphones and turn my ipod way the hell up so as not to hear it. It sounds like the sound people make when they come up from being under water a little too long. A long, heavy exhalation. Except he's not underwater. It's like he's forgetting how to breath. Which is not all that unbelievable since he apparently forgot the alphabet.

(3) He twirls his sideburns. Often while pacing.

(4) He's a fucking know it all. Remember how I said he was sent to us a few weeks ago? And how he's a new? Well, the rest of us have been on this case for more than a year now. Have lost our summers to depositions in London. Have given up weekends to endless investigation into the facts. Well, apparently, newbie here is so fucking brilliant that he was able to master the case in two days. Or at least that's how it would seem since he constantly has to throw his two cents into every fucking conversation we have. And its not limited to shop talk. He knows everything about everything. When he tried to tell me about italian cooking though, I had to pull out the bitch and shut him the hell up.

(5) He hovers. And copies. For example, for the first couple of weeks, I would get up from my work area and go across the room to the "snack table" to get a snack. We have all sorts of snacks here. Lawyers who work around the clock need nourishment form of junk food. That's just how it works. Except in my case, my snacks are gluten free. They're special. And oftentimes not as good as regular snacks. I dream of mint milano cookies. But I digress....I go over to the snack table, I choose my snack, and before I can turn around to go back to my work station, there he is, right fucking behind me. And while he could eat anything he wants, he doesn't. He chooses whatever snack I choose. WHATEVER SNACK I CHOOSE. Like he wants to be my new BFF or something. I even purposely bought some of the most vile GF foods out there, and forced myself to eat them, just as a test, and lo and behold, if I ate it, he'd eat it. It's actually a little disturbing. I eventually bought my own snacks and kept them right next to me to dissuade his freakish behavior. He's since latched on to a colleague. She's vegan. So apparently now he is too.

So there you have it -- as if it wasn't bad enough that we have to give up our entire lives for this thankless fucking job for more than a month (we've been here 26 days and have at least 10 more to go), we have to deal with The First Year. Who we've nicknamed FS. Because we need to be able to talk about him while he's around so as not to go utterly out of our minds batshit crazy. And FreakShow would just be too rude.

No wonder the arts in the public schools are suffering...

So I go SMAPA on Monday night to take my usual super-awesome jazz class with super-awesome Taylor. On this particular night, there were 2 brand-newbies who obviously were friends and had come together. The first brand-newbie, we'll call her Willing, was, well, how do I put this nicely, a touch on the not-so-skinny side. The other, we'll call her Lazy Bitch, had more of a 'dancer's body' but definitely didn't just walk out of some company rehearsal or anything. Or even a different class. The point being -- these women LOOKED like newbies, not like dancers. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The class is, after all, a "open" level adult class. And yay for Sharon that she's getting new faces to her studio which, sitting as it does above one of the more sought after shopping areas in town, must fetch a crazy penny in rent.

But whatev...

There we are with the 2 brand-newbies. Taylor runs us through the warm-up (easy), on through stretches (super-easy) and then into the combination. Which he went over so many times I lost count. The whole thing was maybe 8 counts of 8. Which is NOTHING. And considering some of the other numbers he's choreographed for us, this was pretty low on the skill scale too. Anyway, after a couple of run-throughs with music as a class, we break into smaller groups so we can really 'dance' the piece. And of course, Taylor makes sure a 'regular' is in each group so the newer folks have someone to follow.

I ended up in Group 3, Willing in Group 1 and Lazy Bitch in Group 2. Which was cool, cause I wanted to see what these chicks looked like on the floor. I was actually surprised by how well Willing did -- she struggled some, sure, but she muscled through and her attitude was great and performance quality decent. I wouldn't say I was impressed, exactly, but I wasn't horrified. And then it was time for Lazy Bitch's group to go. I wondered if Willing's somewhat smaller compatriot would do as well. But! instead of trying the routine, Lazy Bitch took a seat on the window ledge. I though Taylor was going to lose his shit.

But wait, it gets better.

When asked why she was sitting and not getting ready to dance, Lazy Bitch responded in a tone of voice dripping with disdain, "We're dance teachers. And I learn best by watching. It's what I teach my kids."

Dance teachers? FUCKING DANCE TEACHERS? That has to be a joke, right? These two brand-newbies got paid to teach dance? Really? I was astounded. Not to mention the fact that no dancer worth their toe shoes would ever say they learned best by watching. Dance is something you learn best by doing you stupid cow. It's why on SYTYCD people re-do the steps for the choreography session over and over and over again. It's called muscle memory, and that shit works.

But anyway -- the show must go on, so to speak, so we kept running the number, all the while Lazy Bitch sat on her lazy ass. After a few run throughs, class finished, as it always does, with some across the floor work. Again, with Lazy Bitch sitting on her lazy ass with her holier than thou attitude, basically giving up on the whole class after Taylor tried once again to get her back on the floor. (Willing, on the other hand, proved that while she may not have a dancer's body, she sure as hell has a dancer's spirit cause she worked it across the floor -- maybe she wasn't technically gifted, but she had the right attitude at least).

And then, just as I was putting on my shoes and feeling those awesome endorphins and that super stretched sweaty wonderfulness, my post-class bliss was shattered. Decimated. Because that's when I learned that Lazy Bitch isn't just a dance teacher in some shithole studio somewhere, like I'd been telling myself since her first mention of it earlier in class. Oh no no no. NO. Instead, I learned that fucking Lazy Bitch is actually a dance teacher in a NJ public elementary school. And that's when I threw up a little in my mouth.

Because I could dance circles around this bitch and would possibly consider killing someone for that job. How the hell did she get it? I mean, seriously? I've been dancing all my life, hold 2 degrees, and even I don't qualify for a job teaching dance in the public schools.

And those poor fucking kids. Come. On. They're being introduced to dance by someone who can't dance and who thinks you learn by watching. Someone who basically gives up when challenged by a teacher. Hel. lo. Nice fucking life lesson whore. Next why don't you teach them that reading is overrated and college doesn't matter? It makes me sick still to even think about it.

And it makes me wonder if there will be any arts left in the public school by the time I can manage to get my license to teach there. If Lazy Bitch is any indication of the direction things are headed, I'm guessing no. And that sucks even worse.

The EAS Strikes Again

I can't fucking believe it. It wasn't enough that the goddamn EAS (thanks ot Adam for the nomenclature correction) interrupted Idol. Now I'm now stuck working all kinds of fucking late. I've got Bride Wars on in the background to keep from totally losing my mind and wanting to cry. And what the fucks happens? Not once, but so far three fucking times? The motherfuckinggoddamn EAS has to go and interrupt me. And I'm watching the fucking movie on OnDemand. So it isn't even regular TV that's getting interrupted now. It's a fucking move I fucking am paying for.

AND -- it isn't even a missing kid this time. NO. Its just a test. A motherfucking test. A test that has interrupted me two additional times even since I started typing this very short rant. That's at least 5 times so far. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Somebody kill me now.

Idolinterruptis

Dear Emergency Broadcast System:

The other night, while watching American fucking Idol (on a one hour dvr delay), you rudely interrupted me no less than 15 times (my FB friends may have seen my live rants). Each time you would stop my dvr and switch to the TV guide channel for an announcement about a missing kid.

Now, don't get me wrong, I've nothing against announcements about missing kids generally, but in this particular case, let's just say I was not the happy-go-lucky girl I should have been to watch the much-hyped Adam Lambert fall to cutey little Kris Allan. And here's why:

First: ummm, hello. I don't give a flying fuck what the goddamn emergency is, there is no excuse for telling me about it every 5-7 minutes. Did you not realize its the fucking AI finale? Do you live under a rock? I realize a lot of us 'mericans are a bunch of fucking moe rons (I've complained about it myself) but come on. No one is that dumb. Once is enough. I'd even give you a couple reminders. But 15 times?

Second: it don't matter how many times you play the fucking announcement cause it told me nothing other than that the state police had issued a state of emergency until 2am for about five NJ counties because of a missing kid. That's it. No gender. No 'last seen'. No nothing. What the fuck? Talk about dumb.

Third: I don't fucking live in any of the affected counties. Hell, they aren't even in my fucking part of the state for pete's sake (btw, who the fuck is pete?). So, technically, as far as my life was concerned... no goddamnmotherfucking emergency. Ergo, no need for interruption after interruption. Come on EBS - I have to believe the technology exists to target people better than that.

Fourth: even if I lived in one of the counties...why the fuck are you telling me (and the rest of the at home tv watching public) anything? What the fuck am I supposed to do sitting at home in my pjs? Hmmm? Go out searching? Even if I knew what the kid looked like or was wearing or where s/he was missing from or how s/he went missing (which you idiotically forgot to mention despite having like 15 tries at it), what the fuck good is me knowing that doing for this kid? I mean obviously, if I see a kid wandering about lost I can help without a useless tv announcement about it. Then again, I'm in my fucking pajamas so its not like I'll be goin' anywhere I'm apt to run into missing kids.

Fifth (yeah, that's right, there's more): why on earth did you keep changing the start and end times for the 'state of emergency'. From 9pm-2am to 10pm-3am to, finally, 11something-12:11am. Why is that? Was the kid less missing? More found? What? There must have been some reason, right? (Ok maybe the state police did it, but still, you are responsible for your own broadcasts, no?) Which leads me to...

Sixth: why the fuck, if the emergency is over, would you keep on issuing the fucking announcement? Sure, AI was over (although I did not enjoy it as much as I normally would have) but at this point you were interrupting me watching the dvr'd pilot of Glee. I was not amused. Nor was I in the slightest bit gleeful (although that show rocked!). Or...if you were going to interrupt regularly scheduled broadcasting (and apparently dvr viewers as well - wtf is that about?), you could at least have changed the fucking end time from 12:11 to something later. Cause it was well after that time the last time you fucking interrupted me.

And, after all of that - I still don't know what the fuck the whole thing was about. For all I know some drug-addled-excuse-for-a-mother woke up from some hazy place, couldn't find her usually neglected children and called the cops to report them missing, forgetting, of course, that in her stupor she'd asked her sister to take them for the night.

Needless to say, EBS, I am way pissed at you. So don't call me again, m'kay?

Get a Brain! MorOns.

I want to throw up.

And I don't mean that in a metaphoric way. I mean, literally, sick to my stomach, want to throw up.

Why you ask? Because of this vile pack of bullshit: the Republicans' so-called Road to Recovery. Which is supposedly a response to Obama's calling them out for bitching about the budget without offering their own. Of course, this isn't a fucking budget. There's not one single fucking specific in the whole fucking thing -- other than the way they want to change the tax system. In fact, when asked for specifics about the alleged GOP budget that this ridiculous document supposedly "outlines", that waste of fucking air John Boehner actually said, "wait and see." Um, wait and see, what the fuck is this -- a magic show? And the scariest part is that the knuckle-dragging wingnut talking heads are already railing about how Obama was "wrong" TWO FUCKING DAYS AGO about the Republicans failing to offer their own budget based on the GOP issuing this useless and detail-free piece of rubbish TODAY. Talk about a waste of paper. And a load of bs.

Now mind you, I didn't read the whole fucking thing (just couldn't get through it all without hurling) but you don't have to be a brain surgeon (but you do need to not be a "moran") to realize there are no budgetary details in here and that the whole fucking thing is just a bunch of wishy-washy ideas of what the GOP says they'll do that the Dems supposedly won't. And of course, their usual 'the Dems suck and they hate you' rhetoric.

My problem, however, is not that the GOP has taken issue with Obama's budget, or even that they only offer useless grandstanding in lieu of concrete solutions (well, come to think of it, that pretty much pisses me off too, especially since they make utterly unsupported and hateful claims about the specifics of what the Dems have suggested, but that really isn't my point); my problem is in the tenor of their grandstanding and the way in which one must forget history to believe a single word of it.

Take, for example, their stance on 'health care reform', and I fucking quote (from page 8 if you must know) . . .
"Republicans seek to provide universal access to affordable health care and to address Medicare and Medicaid’s trillion dollar unfunded liabilities with common-sense reforms that ensure our children and grandchildren can secure benefits in the future."

Yes, that's exactly what it says, and no, I'm not fucking crazy.

So yeah, fucking excuse me? The GOP are supporters of universal health care now? The GOP wants to save Medicare and Medicaid? WHAT?!?! Isn't this the same party that has effectively stalled all prior attempts to work toward universal health care coverage? The leader of which actually vetoed expanding health care coverage for fucking children? The same party that gave us the totally fucked up Part D prescription plan for seniors which totally fucked the people it was supposed to protect at the expense of creating massive profits for HMOs (and the drug cos, musn't forget BigPharma)? Have I lost my mind, is it the same fucking party? Oh yeah, it fucking is.

But wait, it gets better: "Republicans plan vigorous efforts to combat waste, fraud, and abuse in order to make traditional Medicare more efficient." Which would be totally fucking hilarious if it weren't so sickeningly hypocritical.

I could rail on about the continuing inaccuracies and ludicrous statements in this "plan," which I am sure is directed at average 'Muricans (you know, the "real" ones, like the dim-witted one in the picture), who continue to believe the GOP gives a shit about them even though it is plainly fucking obvious to the rest of us that they really really don't, but I'm sure others more eloquent than I will do that in the coming days. And weeks. And, let's be honest, months and possibly even years. So, rather than make myself even sicker than I already am, I'll leave you with this...

In addition to the as-yet-uncounted inaccuracies and outright bullshit in this fucking waste of dead trees, the GOP does provide us with one little detail: a massive tax cut for the rich which would, in the words of the HuffPost, "facilitat[e] a dramatic transfer of wealth up the economic scale." And which would result in the lowest tax rates for the rich since the 20s; lower even, then under the GOP golden child, Reagan. (and they dare call us socialists?). In other words, the same old trickle-down bullshit that has never worked before. God I fucking hate them.

What's pissing me off today...

The fucking lying-ass-bitches over at the Traditional Values Coalition. Granted, despite their fucking lie about certain language in the stimulus package, the ridiculous DeMint amendment was defeated (thank the goddess); but still, they couldn't get their fucking way so now they want to sue? Are you fucking kidding me? I swear (obviously) that these fucking bastards will not rest until there is a government funded (Christian) church on every corner. Ok, we get it, there were a fuckload of Christians back in the day when this country was founded. But could you for one fucking second just stop and pretend like you listened in high school history -- these particular Christians (they were called PURITANS you ignorant assholes) were not the same as those in England, where everyone had to be the religion that the government said. So these people, the forerunners, one might say, of today's evangelicals, left the fucking country. So that they would be free from government required religion. And free to practice a DIFFERENT religion than the majority in England. So - ergo, dumbasses, whether the founders were Christians or Jews or Zoroastrians is besides the point. What they were is not as important as what they weren't -- they weren't interested in the government being involved in their religion. So back the fuck off already. Or leave the fucking country. I mean really, hasn't history taught you anything?

And if that wasn't enough, more wacky-ass Christian bullshit (that's right, I called it bullshit) from "Revive Our Hearts." For those who are blissfully ignorant of this particular fringe group, apparently "Revive Our Hearts" is, according to the linked article, a St. Louis based women’s ministry, and radio program, that "stresses submission as a militant discipline." And by submission they don't mean submission as in S&M-ooh-that's kinda-kinky submission. They mean women-are-stupid-bitches-who-should-be-seen-and-not-heard submission. As in go-fix-me-a-turkey-pot-pie-you-useless-female submission. These self-hating women actually believe that women should be subservient to men in all things. And they even sponsored a conference -- the "True Women's Conference" -- to talk about it. The final point being to change culture to rid the world of the effects of the women's movement. You know - all those awful things like opportunity and equality and education. Who fucking needs it right?

Well, my first question is, do you think they had their husbands' permission to have this little "conference" or rather, did their husbands require them to attend? Because the mere fact that they're organizing and have a political agenda seems to fly in the face of their stated beliefs that women are only good for raising children and taking care of the home and even then only if they do these things in the ways demanded by their (allegedly) superior menfolk. And then my second question is - are you fucking kidding me? Ummm, sorry bitches, but I think perhaps you should all just go back to your kitchens and baby-making and shut the fuck up because your measly 3,000 little signatures of poor self-hating women (who were probably beaten into submission for the most part anyway) is nothing compared to the will of the millions of women in this country who have more sense in their well-coifed hair follicles then it would appear these "true" women have combined and who aren't about to leave the board room for the back room.

Maybe that's a little unfair -- maybe these women aren't total idiots...after all, they claim this is a religious belief. But if that's so, then keep your fucking belief to yourselves ladies (see above). Then again, as noted over at Mother Jones, these nutjobs don't want our respect or the freedom to do as they please (which they already have), they want our deference and that they will not get and do not deserve. In fact, I'll even go one farther -- given that this same group seems to think its just fine for a man to BEAT HIS WIFE (that's right -- read the linked MJ article - no divorce for 'average' abuse), well then they're a bunch of criminal-minded mother fuckers who should have their children taken from them. I'm sorry, but it is child abuse to tell a little girl that she is worthless for anything other than being a breeder. And let's not forget that the Bible, which all these lunatics cling to, was written by...can you guess? do you know? that's right...fucking MEN. Men who had faced thousands of years of matriarchal pagan culture and didn't like not being in charge of everything and who had finally found a way to take all the power. They wrote their little books and got a whole bunch of mother fuckers to read them and believe every word came straight from the Big Man's mouth. Then they use it to rationalize (among a whole host of shitty things) their treatment of women. Excuse me but, ummm, look at it this way, would Jesus really beat and oppress women? I've never met the man, but I'm guessing not. And I'm thinking he's probably gonna be pretty pissed that people are using his church to push this blatantly sexist agenda. AGAIN.

There is of course, a potential bright side...history tells us that the type of submission being pushed here often has very interesting results. Put another way, I wonder if the men behind these women (and you know that's what this is -- it must be right, cause women are not smart or strong enough to do this alone) would keep pushing this particular brand of submission were they to realize that it is also the Janie's-Got-a-Gun and It's-Independence-Day and Goodbye-Earl brand of submission. If so, well, then maybe the end result will be less dickheads and more unindicted women. ;)

The End of Days

Or perhaps, at least, the end of Joe the Plumber's days?

Turns out Joe the Plumber (who, lets not forget, doesn't actually hold a plumbers license) is going to Gaza! Apparently some dipshit conservative website thinks he's got the skills to be a war correspondent. So they're sending him to war so he can tell the story of the average Palestinian Joe, or some shit. And no, this is not a joke.

All I have to say is, really? Seriously? Doesn't he hate Muslims? Isn't he a bit of a, what's the word, oh yeah, moron? Am I missing something here?

That and I seriously cannot wait to see how this turns out.

Cult of Personality

This morning, the following appeared in the NJ Law Journal Daily Briefing:

CONFERENCE SUGGESTS RADICAL LAW SCHOOL MAKEOVERS
Law firms may not be known for innovation, but they look positively cutting edge next to law schools. That was the consensus among law firm leaders, professors and entrepreneurs attending the recent Leading Legal Innovation conference at the University of Southern California's Gould School of Law. Among the topics on the table: Law schools are great at teaching students how to read a court decision, but they don't teach many of the skills needed to be a successful lawyer. Some schools recommend adding foundational competencies that cover teamwork, improved communications skills and strategic decision making. Others suggest teaching and screening for interpersonal skills.

I read this and the first thing I thought was why is this news? Everyone knows law school doesn't teach you shit other than "how to think like a lawyer." At least not the top law schools (I've heard rumors that some of the 'lower tier' schools do teach actual legal skills). And it isn't even shocking that the conference attendees (basically, the people new law grads work for) think new law grads lack interpersonal skills. Its really quite simple -- "law firm leaders, professors and entrepreneurs" think new law grads lack interpersonal skills probably because new law grads are chained to their fucking desks 12 fucking hours a day and don't have any opportunity to talk to anyone other than other new law grads. I've been there, I know. For my first two years out of law school, I rarely was given the opportunity to speak with partners; hell, I only ever saw them if (1) they were giving me new work or (2) I was turning in a completed assignment. There were a few social events where partners could be found, but the chance of actually speaking to them was minimal, mostly because the gunners (aka I-wanna-be-partner-by-the-time-I'm-30-even-if-I-have-to-give-up-sleep-and-lose-all-my-friends-and-never-take-vacation associates) would surround the partners like wolves circle sheep. There was no getting in unless you were blatantly an asshole and forced yourself upon the situation. And that is hardly an interpersonal skill. Besides, it was much more enjoyable to spend those precious few hours of freedom close to the bar with the other captives.

So, yeah, its no wonder people think new law grads don't have interpersonal skills. And "teaching and screening" for such skills won't help. Because I'm pretty fucking personable (even with the all the swearing), ask anyone, but you never would had known that had you been a partner at the firm I worked for. And that's because you probably never would have actually tried to talk to me, except perhaps about how I only billed 200 hours last month or how my memo lacked this or that or how you had dinner reservations with a client so I had to work late to get started on something you needed by morning (which you never actually needed by fucking morning and which you should have done yourself earlier in the day). Now, had you been an associate -- you would have gotten to know me because we would have had real conversations, like real people do in real life. Besides, the vast majority of my law school classmates were all very personable people, at least in law school. But I'm sure many of them were later found to be lacking in interpersonal skills precisely for the same reason I would have been.

Law schools probably do need a major makeover, and probably should do more to teach people how to be lawyers. But at the same time, the people who oversee this makeover should remember that all the interpersonal skills training in the world will do nothing to change perceptions of new law grads if the people they work for continue to treat them like cogs in some great wheel of commerce as opposed to free thinking individuals.

A Little Screwed

If you've stopped by to visit recently, you would have "heard" me rant about a particular little chef who owns a particular little restaurant in a particular little town in a relatively small state (yeah, that would be Jersey. Duh. Did you read the intro to this blog?).  Well...this particular little chef, who also happens to be on this particular little TV show, was actually kind of stinking it up on the tellee for two weeks running. Like I said.

And then last week, she pulls out a juicy and tasty Thanksgiving turkey. Using a fucking toaster oven, no less. And while she doesn't win, she does get big fat praise from the judges. And I start thinking...crap. I should probably get on making that rez. But of course I don't. Because it's not enough that I've got a crazy job, I've got to add random party planning and shit to the list. So, like I was saying...rez doesn't get made. But so what, right? How many people have even heard of Montclair, NJ, right?

And then fucking TaNIGHT. The fucking bitch has to go and win the god damn Today Show challenge. Not any regular old run-of-the-mill fucking challenge, no! The TODAY SHOW CHALLENGE. And with a freaking caprese salad of all things (my favorite. figures.). And I think, "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck." ( while, of course, also being silently proud as hell of my ass kicking "old lady" Jersey girl!!! - her words not mine)

Now, I'm not upset that she won with a salad. More power to her -- hell, that was a crazy smart decision (Um, let's see....I've got 2 1/2 minutes to present a dish...what do I make? Ummm, duh, salad! And c'mon, who doesn't like 'muzzarel' & tomato, especially when there are tasty ass Jersey tomatoes involved?) My problem isn't that she made a salad. It's that those dumbass bitches on the Today Show picked a salad to win. Cause now Ariane is going to be on the fucking Today Show with lord knows how many people watching (and that's not even counting myself) and I'm thinkg she's prob.abaly going to mention her particular little restaurant, which just happens to be a mere 17 fucking miles from the fucking Today Show studio. Great. Just great. If it was hard to get a reservation before, it will be fucking impossible now. So yeah. I think I may be a particularly little bit screwed.

Crazy Family Shit

I never really thought about hanging out a shingle to do family law (i.e. divorce, custody, other shit having to do with kids, etc...), but a couple of new decisions in NJ have made me think otherwise...

1. Smith v. Smith, Hudson County

From the 12/1/08 NJ Law Journal Daily Briefing:
EXES CAN SUE OVER RUINED TIES TO COUPLE'S CHILDREN For the first time in New Jersey, a judge has recognized the right of parents to collect damages for intentional infliction of emotional distress when their relationships with their children are poisoned by former spouses. The issue in the Hudson County case, Smith v. Smith, is whether the emotional distress claim was a disguised complaint for alienation of affections, a cause of action New Jersey abolished in 1935. Superior Court Judge Maurice Gallipoli ruled the emotional distress claim is separate and distinct. His ruling sets up a possible Appellate Division showdown, since a Morris County judge made an opposite ruling in August on similar facts.

So, this means that when your ex turns your kids against you by telling them you are a lousy mother, father, whateverthefuck -- so long is it "distresses" you "emotionally" you can sue the bastard (or bitch, as the case may be). Ok, there's a little more to it than that, but still...sounds like some family attorneys are about to get ritch bitch. ;) And I'm thinking maybe I should get in on the action. Because there's no way the average joe (or jane) is going to be able to prove one of these cases without professional assistance.

2. A.G.R. v. Brisman, Monmouth County

More from the NJ Lawyer Daily Briefing:
SUIT GOES FORWARD AGAINST LAWYER AND DOCTOR OVER SURROGATE-MOTHER PACT
A civil suit in Monmouth County tests the potential liability of professionals who set up surrogacy arrangements, an issue left undecided in Baby M. In A.G.R. v. Brisman, a woman who first agreed to give up her offspring but had a change of heart is suing the lawyer who set up the surrogate parenting arrangement and the doctor who handled the medical procedure. The suit, which includes counts of civil conspiracy, legal and medical malpractice and fraud, cleared its first hurdle when a judge denied a defense motion to dismiss for failure to state a cause of action.

OK - now this is not your typical family law case, since it involves malpractice and fraud claims and shit, but its in the same genre, or close enough anyway. Surrogacy is a "family" issue, right? And the best thing about this case (especially compared to the boo hoo you turned my kids against me case) is that this one involves defendants with deep pocket -- in other words, here's another potential troth from which we fiends can feed -- the malpractice insurers behind the doctors and lawyers who set up these surrogacy contracts. I'm kind of surprised the judge let this one pass -- cause really, where's the malpractice if the surrogate got to do what she wanted to do anyway? -- but I haven't read the case and besides, he's the judge. So if he says there's a cause of action, then until someone higher up calls him out, there's a cause of action. And potential for some money-making-money-money-making. ;) Where do I sign up?

For [insert god's name]'s Sake

From the 10/31/08 NJL Daily Briefing:

THE UNIVERSE PLAYS DICE WITH GOD
Choosing the right benediction is a tricky thing for a public entity. Take the Cobb County, Ga., County Commission and its corresponding Planning Commission. Both commissions had a long tradition of opening their meetings with a prayer. Both have invited various clergy to offer the prayers, for the most part but not exclusively Christian, and in both cases the clergy have incorporated specific tenets of their religious beliefs and invoked God in the particular name, such as Jesus or Allah, used by their fellow believers. Seven local taxpayers sued to stop the practice by both commissions, saying the U.S. Constitution permits only nonsectarian prayers. But first a federal district court and now the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals decided the County Commission had not violated the establishment clause, while the Planning Commission had. Why? Because the former appeared to choose speakers at random from lists in the Yellow Pages, yet the latter - while it used the Yellow Pages - seemed to shy away from certain sects. So, invoking God in other words is just fine, as long as the god is absolutely random! You can read the full line of argument at www.ca11.uscourts.gov/opinions/ops/200713611.pdf. 10-31-08