So there's this guy...

I have this friend. Jill (names have been changed to protect the guilty). About 20 years ago, little less, Jill had this thing with this guy Bobby. And by thing, I don't mean anything in particular, just one of those I'm-single-you're-single-you're-horny-I'm horny-let's-hook-up kinda things. So Jill and Bobby had this hot-and-heavy totally uncommitted "'relationship". Next thing ya know, there's an ultimatum. Oh shit. Adios. Goodbye booty call.

Fast-forward 20 years.

Jill's not-quite-happily married. Bobby's divorcing. There wasn't exactly any cheating going on, exactly, they never even got close to laying a hand on each other, but... Hell, there would have been something (and one hell of a story probably too). Ya see, there was this whole weekend in the city planned. Planned via text message, by the way. TEXT MESSAGE. Um, hello, but srsly? Aren't you like 40?

But whatev... Weekend's planned. And then, BAM, all outta the blue, Jill runs into Bobby. Which was unfuckingbelievable since only days before Bobby was living over a thousand miles away. But there he was...in her fucking kitchen of all damn places. It's too convoluted to even bother to explain. Believe me. You'll regret the 20 minutes. I promise.

So, yeah, there's Bobby in Jill's fucking kitchen. Which was doubly weird cause her husband was ALSO in the kitchen. Apparently she got through it without totally spazzing; probably mostly because she was txting me like every 3 seconds. Poor kid, someone should probably give her an ativan. I would, but my doctor totally sucks.

Anyway...the short story is that Jill and Bobby got like 2 seconds together and at the end of the night, the weekend was still on.

Fast-forward 2 weeks.

It's the Monday before "The Weekend." Jill is driving me crazy. It's not even my weekend and I can't wait for it to come. Only a few more days, I figure I can deal. And then, BAM, a-fuck-king-gain, random Bobby spotting by Jill. During this particular little visit, we find out that Bobby, not-yet-even-divorced Bobby, has some new girl on the side.

Fast-forward 4 weeks.

Jill's a mess. Turns out this girl-on-the-side ended up to be a little more than that. Or at least that's Bobby's story. Goodbye weekend. Problem is that Jill really really REALLY wanted The Weekend to happen and now its totally not. And she's driving me crazy.

So you see, there's this guy. Not my guy. Just a guy. And I wish he'd just forget about whoever this chick of the moment is, just for a day or two. No offense to whoever she is, but I'm tired. Friends can be exhausting sometimes. And if I didn't have unlimited txting, I'd be broke. So please. The Weekend. Is 48 hours really too much to ask?

Second Class Citizens Still.

A week or so ago, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists issued new guidelines regarding when and how often women should get Pap tests, which, in case you didn't know, screen for HPV and cervical cancer. In fact, the Pap test is the sole reason why the number of deaths from cervical cancer in this country has dropped so dramatically in the last 30 years. In countries where the Pap has not been so widely used, cervical cancer is second only to breast cancer in causing premature deaths of women.

Until this change, the guidelines said Pap testing should start within three years after becoming sexually active and take place every year. Now they say testing shouldn't start until age 21 regardless of sexual activity and then only has to be done every 2 years after that. And, once a woman reaches age 30, it should only be done every 3 years. The reason for the change, ACOG says, is because doctors have been performing too many unnecessary procedures on young women; procedures which can cause these women to be unable to carry a pregnancy to term; procedures which aren't necessary because in MOST cases the HPV or abnormal cervical condition will clear up on its own.

The new guidelines came just days after the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (of which not one member is an oncologist) issued its own new set of guidelines related to women's health. Namely, guidelines detailing when women should start getting mammograms, the primary screening tool for breast cancer. There too the age for testing to start was raised, from age 40 to age 50, in part because too many doctors were performing too many unnecessary procedures.

The ACOG says their guidelines have nothing to do with the mammogram guidelines; and that they have nothing to do with the current health care debate going on in which women's sexual health is a major sticking point. The timing, they say, is purely coincidental. The decision to make the change, they say, was not political. Well I for one call bullshit. LIFE is political and there are no coincidences.

But what I'd really like to fucking know is why are women being screwed because doctors are fucking up? If the doctors are over-treating then, hello, fix the fucking doctors. Why is it we keep hearing about how women's health care needs to be rationed? Why is our society so willing to put women's lives at risk because a bunch of doctors (mostly male I remind you) don't know what the fuck they're doing? What about mens health care? Is there NO overtreatment there to be rationed? You think anyone is even thinking about changing the guidelines for when men get their prostate checked? Or whether Viagra is being overprescribed? I highly fucking doubt it. And that is because women, no matter how far we've come, are still undervalued in our society. And our fertility seems more important to that society than our actual lives: it was negative fertility outcomes that led to the change in Pap testing to begin with. I'll tell you this: not being able to carry a baby to term is devastating, but I imagine dying from, or even just suffering with, cervical cancer would be a whole lot worse. Because while reduced screening will surely lead to less unnecessary treatments, you know what the fuck else it will do - it will lead to less NECESSARY treatments too.

On the day the guidelines came out, I heard stories from 3 young women who would probably be dead if they waited until 21 to get their first pap test, or waited 2 or 3 years between tests. These women are all cervical cancer SURVIVORS, instead of victims, because of yearly screening and the treatment they received after their "abnormal" test results.

The point is simply - early screening saves lives. Every day. And by pushing back screening ages, the ACOG and the USPTF are putting women's lives at risk. And I am disgusted. And what makes it worse is that the National Cervical Cancer Coalition, an organization which stresses early screening and which I thought would be outraged right along with me about the Pap guidelines, actually supports the new guidelines because HPV/cervical abnormalities ALMOST always clear up on their own in younger women. But what about those women for whom they don't just clear up? Are their lives not worth saving? Aren't these women's lives worth more than the fertility of a few others? Or are we all still just here to be babymakers, worthless without that biological ability?

You might think that in the 21st century women, and their health, wouldn't have to take a back seat to some bureaucratic bullshit. But apparently you'd be wrong.

Spot the Dick

Have you heard this story yet? About the 21 year old single mother Army cook who refused deployment to Afghanistan because she didn't have anyone to care for her 11 month son and is now facing possible criminal charges for doing so? Well, technically, she didn't refuse outright to be deployed; rather, she failed to show up on the date of her specific deployment claiming she needed more time to find someone to care for her infant child while she was serving abroad. Apparently, the grandmother had originally agreed to take the kid, but after having him the week prior to the mom's deployment date, decided she couldn't do it (the grandmother, it seems, is also caring for a special needs kid of her own as well as two ailing adult family members). The Army says it would never deploy a single parent without a "family plan" in place; but the mom's lawyer says that isn't exactly the truth and the mom had been told that she had to deploy regardless of her family plan and if the kid had to be placed in foster care, well then, so be it.

I obviously don't know who is telling the truth here, or what's gonna happen to this chick and her kid, but I gotta say, reading this story on the train this morning got me all kinds of worked up. At first I was like, "That motherfucking military! What the fuck is wrong with them? How dare they even think about sending a single mother into a war zone? Have they no fucking compassion?" And that led, of course, to me ruminating about how fucked up the fucking war is in the first place and how we should be done with it already. But then I thought more about the actual story, and although I still think the situation is fucked up (and that our Nobel Peace Prize winning President should really do whatever it takes to get us the hell out of the middle east), I can't help but wonder....

1. Where the hell is the kid's dad? He's not mentioned in any of the articles about this story. Not even a 'we don't know where the hell he is' mention. Who is he? Why can't he take the kid while mom is at war? Does mom know? Is there some other fucked up cover-up going on here?

2. Mom joined the Army in 2007, her kid is 11 months old. So that means she, single and without adequate family support (I'm assuming since she doesn't seem to have anyone else to watch her kid for her), got pregnant and decided to have a baby while actively serving (and depending when in '07 she joined, potentially only months after joining). And presumably while knowing she would be deployed to a war zone; or at least knowing she was at risk of being deployed to a war zone. Um, hello, but WTF is up with that? Has this chick never heard of condoms? Or, duh, the PILL? 'Cause I know military insurance pays for the Pill. I know it for a fact. Did she do it on purpose? Is this all just a scam to get her out of the service which she VOLUNTEERED for? Why not just wait until your tour is done?

I'd really like to know the answer to at least some of these questions so I can decide whether to be pissed at the Army, or pissed at her. Because someone is being a dick here. I'm sure of it. I'm just not sure I can spot who it is. Can you?

Best thing I've read all day.

No wonder the arts in the public schools are suffering...

So I go SMAPA on Monday night to take my usual super-awesome jazz class with super-awesome Taylor. On this particular night, there were 2 brand-newbies who obviously were friends and had come together. The first brand-newbie, we'll call her Willing, was, well, how do I put this nicely, a touch on the not-so-skinny side. The other, we'll call her Lazy Bitch, had more of a 'dancer's body' but definitely didn't just walk out of some company rehearsal or anything. Or even a different class. The point being -- these women LOOKED like newbies, not like dancers. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The class is, after all, a "open" level adult class. And yay for Sharon that she's getting new faces to her studio which, sitting as it does above one of the more sought after shopping areas in town, must fetch a crazy penny in rent.

But whatev...

There we are with the 2 brand-newbies. Taylor runs us through the warm-up (easy), on through stretches (super-easy) and then into the combination. Which he went over so many times I lost count. The whole thing was maybe 8 counts of 8. Which is NOTHING. And considering some of the other numbers he's choreographed for us, this was pretty low on the skill scale too. Anyway, after a couple of run-throughs with music as a class, we break into smaller groups so we can really 'dance' the piece. And of course, Taylor makes sure a 'regular' is in each group so the newer folks have someone to follow.

I ended up in Group 3, Willing in Group 1 and Lazy Bitch in Group 2. Which was cool, cause I wanted to see what these chicks looked like on the floor. I was actually surprised by how well Willing did -- she struggled some, sure, but she muscled through and her attitude was great and performance quality decent. I wouldn't say I was impressed, exactly, but I wasn't horrified. And then it was time for Lazy Bitch's group to go. I wondered if Willing's somewhat smaller compatriot would do as well. But! instead of trying the routine, Lazy Bitch took a seat on the window ledge. I though Taylor was going to lose his shit.

But wait, it gets better.

When asked why she was sitting and not getting ready to dance, Lazy Bitch responded in a tone of voice dripping with disdain, "We're dance teachers. And I learn best by watching. It's what I teach my kids."

Dance teachers? FUCKING DANCE TEACHERS? That has to be a joke, right? These two brand-newbies got paid to teach dance? Really? I was astounded. Not to mention the fact that no dancer worth their toe shoes would ever say they learned best by watching. Dance is something you learn best by doing you stupid cow. It's why on SYTYCD people re-do the steps for the choreography session over and over and over again. It's called muscle memory, and that shit works.

But anyway -- the show must go on, so to speak, so we kept running the number, all the while Lazy Bitch sat on her lazy ass. After a few run throughs, class finished, as it always does, with some across the floor work. Again, with Lazy Bitch sitting on her lazy ass with her holier than thou attitude, basically giving up on the whole class after Taylor tried once again to get her back on the floor. (Willing, on the other hand, proved that while she may not have a dancer's body, she sure as hell has a dancer's spirit cause she worked it across the floor -- maybe she wasn't technically gifted, but she had the right attitude at least).

And then, just as I was putting on my shoes and feeling those awesome endorphins and that super stretched sweaty wonderfulness, my post-class bliss was shattered. Decimated. Because that's when I learned that Lazy Bitch isn't just a dance teacher in some shithole studio somewhere, like I'd been telling myself since her first mention of it earlier in class. Oh no no no. NO. Instead, I learned that fucking Lazy Bitch is actually a dance teacher in a NJ public elementary school. And that's when I threw up a little in my mouth.

Because I could dance circles around this bitch and would possibly consider killing someone for that job. How the hell did she get it? I mean, seriously? I've been dancing all my life, hold 2 degrees, and even I don't qualify for a job teaching dance in the public schools.

And those poor fucking kids. Come. On. They're being introduced to dance by someone who can't dance and who thinks you learn by watching. Someone who basically gives up when challenged by a teacher. Hel. lo. Nice fucking life lesson whore. Next why don't you teach them that reading is overrated and college doesn't matter? It makes me sick still to even think about it.

And it makes me wonder if there will be any arts left in the public school by the time I can manage to get my license to teach there. If Lazy Bitch is any indication of the direction things are headed, I'm guessing no. And that sucks even worse.

In case I haven't mentioned...

I'm a HUGE NY Giant's fan. I'm talking major crazy, out-of-my-mind, scream-your-face-off, rabid fan. I even own season tickets (well not exactly "own", yet, but that's a long story that its just too late to tell) and I'm laying out a sick amount of cash for the right to keep those tickets when the new stadium opens. Plus, in March, we went on the "Cruise with the Champions" -- which was just a regular cruise to the Bahamas with the addition of some Giants' players and some private events where you get to meet said players (it rocked!!!! except for the motion sickness part -- that was so not cool).

So, there we are, enjoying a cruise to the Bahamas while our friends are freezing back home and who should we meet, and save from what appeared to be an overzealous fan trapping him in a corner so he, the psycho fan, could drone on and on about this game or that game or whateverthefuck he was rambling about? Well. . . we met all the guys on the trip (including possible Hall of Famer Otis Anderson), but the one in the pic (for you non-fans out there) is none other than Lawrence Tynes, the kicker for Big Blue. Who once again proved his worth tonight when he kicked not one, but TWO, field goals in the last few seconds of the game for the WIN!!!!! Over those America's-team-my-ass, Dallas Cowgirlsboys.

Now, this is the only picture of me with any of the players -- although I did technically meet them all. Like I said, I'm rabid, but I'm not a hanger-on or stalker so much. The DH, however, who is usually pretty quiet, well, he out of nowhere gained some amazing fame-whoring skills on this trip. I think we have pictures of him with every single player and ex-player there. It was remarkable. We even ended up bowling with OA and one night, after I'd gone to bed, he actually caught up with Steve Smith & Domenick Hixon in one of the bars on the ship and ended up doing tequila shots half the night. I couldn't believe it. Here's a guy who doesn't even like to call to order take out, chit chattin with the pros. And, excuse me, but WTF -- he couldn't wake my ass up to do tequila shots with the pros? I like pros. I can handle tequila (usually). I mean, sure, I'd have been pissed at first, but as soon as he said "shots with the players", I'd have been up outta bed, dressed and ready to go in minutes.

Anyway -- Shit. I guess I forgot my initial point. Then again, maybe there never was one. I did have quite a few Redbridges while watching the game. And there was much screaming and jumping around so I'm pretty beat. I guess I'll just leave it with this...

COWBOYS SUCK! GIANTS RULE! Na na na na na.


P.S. I should add that I came really close to scrapping this post because the picture of me is just terrible (can you say double chin?), but I like to think I'm bigger than caring-about-outside-appearances bullshit (and for the most part I am, with people other than myself that is) so I let it ride. Plus, HEL. LO. It's not like anyone would believe me if I said I met Tynes and didn't have a picture to back it up. That and this picture was taken 6 months and about 16 pounds ago, so there's that.

P.P.S. Note to the hanger-on we saved Tynes from -- the Giants players are not going to be your best buds now simply because you were on the same ship and saw each other in your swim trunks. They aren't even going to remember your name, just like I'm sure they don't remember mine. Although it's possible Smith & Hixon remember the night of tequila shots with the guy from Jersey. But you'd have to ask them.

TEN QUESTION INTERVIEW . . . consider yourself tagged.

1. Who Is The Hottest Movie Star? If I have to pick just one...Brad Pitt. Hands down. But there's also George Clooney. And Ryan Reynolds (especially playing the "bad boy" in adventureland). And Matthew Fox (of Lost & Party of Five fame). And Denzel. And Taye Diggs. And back in the day, Patrick Swayze (R.I.P.) I could go on and on... All different kinds of hot. All equally yummy.

2. Apart From Your House and Your Car, What's the Most Expensive Item You've Ever Bought? A couple of years ago, we bought a cabin -- an investment/vacation property -- in a lake community in the Poconos. But since that's technically a house, I'm not counting it. I'm only bringing it up because it was that purchase that led to my biggest non-real estate/non-automobile purchase... namely a bright, shiny red Old Town canoe.

3. What's Your Most Treasured Memory? My memory's for shit, but there are a few choice moments...such as my baby sister's kindergarten graduation. And my own, from law school, some 15 years later.

4. What Was the Best Gift You Ever Received As a Child? To be honest, I don't really remember. But I do remember being crazy excited when my mom got me a pair of Asiacs Tiger gymnastics shoes.

5. What's the Biggest Mistake You've Ever Made? There are very few things I've done in my life that I consider "mistakes"; I'm much more likely to see mistakes in, and have regrets about, the things I haven't done. That said, there is one thing I did, back in early 90s, which I realized almost immediately afterward was a huge fucking mistake. Basically, I did something very very stupid, while very very drunk. Which I'd rather not retell for all the world to read about (not to worry, it wasn't drunk driving and no one was hurt, at least not physically).

6. Four Words to Describe Yourself. Intelligent. Easy-going. Fun-loving. Liberal.

7. What Was Your Highlight or Lowlight of 2008? Last year passed in a bit of a blur, but the best thing by far was my trip to Greece. 17 days, whirlwind trip. When it was time to go home, I wished I'd had another 17 days.

8. Favorite Film? This is a tough one -- I've got a lot of "favorites." Two of them are Garden State...



and The Breakfast Club.




9. Tell Me One Thing I Don't Know About You. I used to be a competitive gymnast.

10. If You Were a Comicbook/Strip or Cartoon Character, Who Would You Be? I've never been a big follower of comics, but when I was a little girl I was dying to be Wonder Woman.


Thanks to 42andstillbreathing for the tag! Now it's your turn -- just link back your answers to jerseygirlesq. Tag you're it!!!