That said, I almost feel as if I should explain, or apologize or something, for being so silly and lighthearted in these last posts when in my last regular post I was in sorrow, missing Cary. I know I don't HAVE to explain and there is really nothing to apologize for but I'm still in the place where I feel almost guilty for being happy or for seeming to forget. I hope someday to crawl out of this dark place and I have my moments (i.e. my last two silly posts), but sometimes the contradiction between what I feel and what I do strikes me in such a way that I have to mention it. Call it Catholic guilt. Call it mourning. Call it whatever. I just thought that after being so light-hearted I should mention that I still miss Cary terribly. That I still have yet to go a day when I don't feel that loss. That I still can't see the place where thinking about her doesn't hurt. I'm not alone in this, that I know. But sometimes I get angry when other people try to equate their grief with mine. It sounds bitchy, I know, but Cary & I had a special friendship, and even though others miss her too, I don't think they really get the loss I've experienced. They may have lost a friend they spoke to once a month or so. I lost someone who was a part of my everyday life. I know its unfair and perhaps inappropriate to belittle one grief or to compare one to another, but I can't help it. Sometimes I just want to yell "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD IT HURTS." Except with one person - Cary's sister (who we'll call Mary). I often feel that my grief must pale in comparison to hers. They weren't just friends or just sisters. They were both. And it all just sucks. But I have gained one thing -- and that is a friendship with Mary. We've been each others rocks. Although sometime I wonder if we aren't helping each other through our grief so much as helping each other avoid it.
In any case, back to my original point, I hope no one equates my lightheartedness with forgetfulness. I haven't forgotten. And I don't think I ever will.