Friday, February 29, 2008


It worked.  It worked.  Now if I can only get rid of the stupid "sent from my..." yada yada yada tagline.   

That said, I almost feel as if I should explain, or apologize or something, for being so silly and lighthearted in these last posts when in my last regular post I was in sorrow, missing Cary.  I know I don't HAVE to explain and there is really nothing to apologize for but I'm still in the place where I feel almost guilty for being happy or for seeming to forget.  I hope someday to crawl out of this dark place and I have my moments (i.e. my last two silly posts), but sometimes the contradiction between what I feel and what I do strikes me in such a way that I have to mention it.  Call it Catholic guilt.  Call it mourning.  Call it whatever.  I just thought that after being so light-hearted I should mention that I still miss Cary terribly.  That I still have yet to go a day when I don't feel that loss.  That I still can't see the place where thinking about her doesn't hurt.  I'm not alone in this, that I know.  But sometimes I get angry when other people try to equate their grief with mine.  It sounds bitchy, I know, but Cary & I had a special friendship, and even though others miss her too, I don't think they really get the loss I've experienced.  They may have lost a friend they spoke to once a month or so.  I lost someone who was a part of my everyday life.   I know its unfair and perhaps inappropriate to belittle one grief or to compare one to another, but I can't help it.  Sometimes I just want to yell "YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD IT HURTS."  Except with one person - Cary's sister (who we'll call Mary).  I often feel that my grief must pale in comparison to hers.  They weren't just friends or just sisters.  They were both.  And it all just sucks.  But I have gained one thing -- and that is a friendship with Mary.  We've been each others rocks.  Although sometime I wonder if we aren't helping each other through our grief so much as helping each other avoid it. 

In any case, back to my original point, I hope no one equates my lightheartedness with forgetfulness.  I haven't forgotten.  And I don't think I ever will.

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