An Open Letter to the Colonel

I used to be quite a fan of your fried chicken, until about 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with celiac disease. The I saw the ad for your new grilled chicken and for a brief moment I was pretty damn excited. (I'm not a huge fast-fooder but sometimes a girls gotta go what a girls gotta do, right?) So there I am, watching the ad, and for that moment I actually did "unthink" what I think of KFC. But then I saw that the product unnecessarily contains wheat, and therefore gluten, and I was quickly disappointed. There are plenty of quality substitutes for the nauseating wheat-containing ingredients you use, if only you would take the time to do your homework. And I simply do not understand why you would use a known allergen in a fucking GRILLED product. Are you all a bunch of idiots? Do you not understand that you are missing out on taking money out of the pockets of as many as 3 million Americans, not to mention untold numbers of persons around the world -- many of whom would be happy as hell, jump for joy, all that shit, crazy excited over the opportunity to have a place to go for a quick chicken meal, without the worry of being fucking poisoned by gluten. Like the smiling dancing people in your ad. Hell, I would have been one of those people. And I possibly would have been so happy to able to get a dam piece of unfucked up chicken that I probably would have waited for the the slow ass motherfuckers in the my local KFC to take their sweet ass time getting me my non-poisonous chicken. And even after it had taken 37 minutes to get a bucket of grilled chicken, in a fucking fast food joint, with only 5 customers in it, I wouldn't even have been pissed, knowing I could have got faster service in a fucking diner, no. Because who gives a shit about 30 minutes when the chance to live like the average American is upon us? Nope, not mad at all -- I would have taken my yummy ass chicken and thanked the nice lady for slowing the pace of my overworked life.

But no, you had to go fuck it all up and use a fucking wheat based product on a piece of grilled meat. Guess I'll just have to keep giving my money to Chick-fil-A when I'm in a rush. If I was you, I'd figure out who the moron is behind the gluten-is-no-biggie decision, and fire 'em. The dumbass.